Audition

Back in 2018, I decided I wanted to go through Yoga Teacher Training (YTT).  I had been practicing yoga for 3 years, and I wanted to learn more.  Yoga is more than just movement on a yoga mat.  The concept of yoga has 8 limbs including:  breathing techniques, meditations, philosophical guidelines, and a history of the practice.  I wanted to know all of those things.  I wanted to know why classes I attended were structured in certain ways.  I wanted to understand my anatomy and how I could help parts of my body through different movements.  I loved how yoga was helping me to connect to and listen to my body.  I was curious.  So I decided to sign up for a YTT program in January of 2019.  My intention was not to become a yoga teacher.  My intention was to just learn.

When I started my teacher training, I discovered that in order to receive the certification, I would need to teach 10 1-hour yoga classes.  I could teach to anyone: my friends, family, perhaps even someone’s dog.  I acquiesced to this requirement.  I wasn’t excited about teaching, but I’m all about the brass ring. Getting a 200-hour YTT certification was enough for me to try teaching. Besides, it was only for 10 hours.  How hard could it be?

After my first 3 teacher training sessions, I decided it was time to start teaching.  I invited a few yogi friends over and wrote out my teaching script.   I got on my mat and led my friends through the poses and Sanskrit words that I had been practicing for almost 4 years.  In a word it was....horrible.  At least I thought it was horrible.  I think that those who attended were appreciative to move their bodies on their mats.  Still, I was uncomfortable.  My directions were choppy.  I didn’t feel connected to my yoga mat or my students.  Yet, I needed to teach yoga in order to get that certificate.   So, I persevered.

Somewhere around class 5, I noticed a transformation.  I still had some choppy directions.  But I was feeling more comfortable on the teacher mat.   I was noticing my students, and I wanted to encourage them.  By class 10, I was hooked.  I enjoyed coming up with themes and incorporating them into our time on our mats.  I was recognizing what yoga meant to me: a way to connect my heart and body, a way to  accept myself just as I was in the moment.  I wanted to share that feeling with other yogis.  I set an intention.  I wanted to teach yoga to everyone, not just those who felt they were “good enough” for yoga.  I wanted all people, all bodies to feel safe on a yoga mat.  Then I found a yoga studio I wanted to teach at.  Vitalize, the studio around the corner from my house, was the perfect place.  I gathered with my Buddhist Sangha there every Sunday morning.  I started teaching a yoga class on Sunday mornings right before the gathering.  Because this studio was an independent space, I could charge whatever I wanted for my class.  I chose to make my class donation based.  I didn’t want anyone to miss yoga because they could not afford yoga.

My classes started, and the students showed up.  Some days had as many as 9 students; some I had as few as 1 student.  It did not matter.  What mattered was that I was filling my heart with an activity I loved, and my students were getting the opportunity to connect with their bodies and hearts.  It was all fantastic...until it wasn’t.  Covid-19 hit in March of 2020, and classes had to be shut down.  At first I was devastated.   Then I improvised.  I learned how to teach my classes on Zoom.  Soon, students were returning, this time on my iPad screen.  Once the weather got warmer, I turned off the iPad screen and started teaching outside.  It was wonderful to have live students in front of me again.  I hadn’t realized how much connecting in person with my students meant to me.  Then came the fall of 2020.  We had to go back indoors, and luckily I still had Zoom.  I started advertising my classes on Meetup.com, and I discovered more students showing up on my screen, some from as far as the East Coast.  When spring came in 2021, I took my iPad outside and started teaching a simulcast of outdoors and on Zoom.  My East Coast students got to see the beautiful park that sits across the street from my development.

Other things were happening in yoga studios as well.  With the advent of the Covid-19 vaccine, yoga studios began to open.  I was able to attend yoga classes at the studios I used to study at.  The owners of Vitalize had changed, my Buddhist Sangha had gone online, and I decided to remain outside and on Zoom.  When fall came, I offered 4 spots in my basement to vaccinated yogi friends and continued to teach on Zoom.  Still, the yoga studios remained open.

One of the studios I was enjoying attending was the community center right across the street from my development.  I thought about how convenient it would be if I could teach there.  I couldn’t offer the donation-based classes, but the prices of the classes there were very reasonable.  I made an effort to reach out to the head of recreation, and I shared my interest and certification.  I heard nothing back.  While I enjoyed teaching my Sunday classes, I was disappointed that the community center didn’t seem interested in adding me to their teacher list.  As 2021 came to an end, I attended a yoga class at a studio I had not visited before.  The teacher was someone who I had studied with for over 6 years, but the studio was new.  I liked the look and feel of the space.  I decided to approach the studio owner to see if she would be interested in having me as a teacher.  In early 2022, she called me and we discussed my yoga style and philosophies.  It seemed that I would be a fit for her studio.  She said that she would send me an application to fill out, and she would schedule me for an audition.

An audition?  What is this?  I needed to prove my worthiness to the studio.  In some ways, that made sense.  I needed to prove that I was a good yoga teacher.  I had already told her that one of her students was a student of mine so that she could ask about my skills.  Apparently that wasn’t enough.  She wanted to see for herself in an audition, much like actors do for plays and movies.  Suddenly, I was feeling anxious.  I don’t like talking myself up, and I don’t like being judged.  Was I good enough for an audition?  She said the audition lasts 15 minutes.  My typical class is 60 minutes.  How do I squash all that teaching into 15 minutes?  When I share my theme at the beginning of the class, that can take 5 or more minutes.  If I spend 5 minutes on a theme that eats up my physical practice time, where do I start on my mat?  Traditionally my classes start with a warmup.   With a theme and a warmup, we won’t be doing much movement in 15 minutes.  Will that keep me from getting a teaching opportunity at this studio?  Boy, the anxiety was really pouring in.

Part of me felt silly.  I had been teaching for over 2 years.  I had yoga students who had been showing up for over 2 years.  Wasn’t that enough for me to feel comfortable in my own yoga skin?  I spent the week reassuring myself and reminding myself that I didn’t have to teach at this studio.  I didn’t need a job.  So if the studio owner didn’t feel like my audition was a fit for their studio, that was okay.  I was still a successful yoga teacher.

The big day came.  Off I went to my audition.  When I arrived at the studio, the door was locked.  Wait..what?  Did I have the wrong day?  The wrong time?  I could see shoes inside the studio, so I knew that there were folks inside.  Perhaps I was supposed to be there for all of the auditions, not just mine.  Well, that isn’t the instruction I remembered.  I wasn’t going to shame myself.  I texted the owner.  “Out in a minute,” she texted back.  She came out and explained they were running late.  Did I want to go in and practice with the candidate before me?  I thought for a minute.  No, I did not.  I liked the idea of loosening up my body, but watching the competition?  That was too stressful for me.  Honestly, I didn’t know if that was my competition.  Maybe she will hire all of the applicants.  I watched a younger, straight-bodied woman leave the studio.  She was the candidate before the current one.  As I waited to be let into the studio room, another potential teacher tried to come through the door.  The studio owner had locked the door after letting me in, so I could only wave at her from my seat.

After waiting 10-15 minutes, I was allowed into the yoga room.  There were 6 yogis staring back at me.  They were all on yoga mats and armed with clipboards.  Ugh, they were writing reviews.  This must be what the gymnastic olympians feel like.  I got into my yoga zone and started to teach.  I kept reminding myself that I was sharing my heart and my practice.  I was giving my gift to them.  After 10 minutes, the studio owner stopped me.  They all thanked me for my lesson, and I left the room.  In came the next applicant.  I couldn’t help but notice the 3 applicants I saw were younger than I am and had straight, typical yoga-like bodies.  The students’ bodies were more varied.  I wondered if I fit the “type.”

On my drive home, I felt relief.  The audition was over; the anticipation was gone.  I worried about the audition though.  The mat was not positioned where I wanted it.  Could I have moved it?  After sharing my intention, I never faced the students towards the back of my mat.  Would I be marked off for that?  I thought I was going to get 15 minutes of teaching, and I only got 10.  Perhaps they will realize I would have gone to the back had they given me more time?  Judge Judy was creeping in.  What’s done is done, and I can’t take it back.  I’ve actually never auditioned to be a yoga teacher before.  So if this audition didn’t work out, I know what I would like to have done differently.  I can always use that knowledge at a future audition if I have one.  

PS - I heard from the studio owner.  She said she appreciated my unique and mindful way of teaching.  She feels I will fill a niche in the studio that they do not have…