You’re Canceled!

Have I written about cancel culture before?  Maybe in the piece about Lizzo and her smoothies.  Maybe in the one about Whoopi Goldberg.  Well, I’m here again, this time to mention Amber Heard and Johnny Depp.  Do not worry (or do worry if that’s your thing),  I’m not going to go into their details or take sides.  But I do want to talk about cancel culture.  Is it a good thing?

So, in cancel culture we publicly reject someone.  We are telling them, “Hey what you are doing isn’t excepted here.”  When there’s a bully in a classroom, cancel culture alienates that student from the rest of the class.  The hope is that the bully realizes he or she is being annoying (and probably hurtful) to the other students, so they don’t want to be around him or her.   The bully will then alter their behavior to be more accepted so that they can re-enter the circle of classroom society.

From what I understand of anthropology, this sort of shunning happened in ancient cultures to keep the tribe members following the rules.  That said, was it always obvious which tribe member wasn’t following the rules?  I mean what happens when the wrong person is ostracized?

Getting back to Johnny Depp and Amber Heard (who I will call JD and AH for ease of typing), where do they fall in the cancel culture philosophy?  It is my understanding that JD is suing AH for defamation of character.  AH wrote about JD, describing physical and emotional abuse she received from JD.  Once these writings were published, many of JD’s fans, as well as others who read the publishings, were outraged.  They started to “cancel” JD.  As a result, movie producers were reluctant to work with JD.  JD probably won’t be asked to work in the film industry anymore, a place where he has had the opportunity to express his creative talent.  I’m sure that disappoints him.  Thanks to the speed that the internet spreads information, his notoriety around the globe has turned towards infamy.  JD is probably also disappointed he won’t make anymore money than the tons he already has (I’ve been watching this guy since 21 Jump Street in 1987 and Wikipedia says he made $47K an episode back then).  After multiple disappointments and cancellations, JD has sued AH.  As a result, die-hard JD fans who haven’t cancelled him are now cancelling AH.  During the court case over the suit, JD is claiming AH was the abuser, not him.  AH is countersuing JD.  It’s all a lot of back and forth cancelling.  Who’s right?

Here’s what bothers me:  Who cares?  I mean, they both make plenty of money.  If either one gets cancelled, I don’t think it is going to impact their bank accounts that much.  The people probably gaining money from this experience are the lawyers.  But what about JD and AH?  What’s coming out of this mess is that these people behaved badly, probably one worse than the other.  Besides the possible loss of future income, their loss of future performances, her loss of being published, what other consequences do they have?  Their Tinder accounts might not get many hits.  But will either of them be incarcerated?  Will either of them receive rehabilitation therapy?  It’s doubtful.  While I’m grateful that the message “we don’t like you anymore” is published, I don’t know if it’s enough.  It’s likely the bullies will go back to their classrooms and bully again.  That’s just bad news.

Still, you might be thinking, “Who cares?”  It’s true this Hollywood drama is not worth my time.  However, accountability is important and often ignored.  Perhaps this cancellation will give JD time to pause and reflect on his accountability.  Perhaps it will remind others in society that they are accountable for their actions.  That part I care about.

A few years back, when the world wasn’t so worried about a pandemic and we all traveled around comfortably amongst one another, I experienced the backlash of cancel culture.  My story is not a David and Goliath one.  I wasn’t the powerful one bullying the little person.  It was more of the opposite.  I was attending an event with a group of people I considered my friends, even my tribe.  One of the attendees chose to touch me in a way I felt was inappropriate, and I had not given my consent for.  Multiple times, I requested that they stop, and they ignored me.  Finally, I was able to release myself from their grasp.  It was clear to me I was resisting; I ended up with bruises on my body.

The experience was jarring and upsetting for me.  I felt scared and uncomfortable.  Because I viewed this person as a “popular” member of the community, I felt apprehensive about approaching them.  Still, my emotions were showing on my face.  Another community member approached and asked me what was going on.  When I explained the situation, this member offered to be a mediator in a conversation between myself and the other person, whom I will call "the bully."  When the bully and I spoke, I was clearly agitated.  I was crying.  I did not articulate my feelings clearly.  I said I felt, “stupid.”  The bully did not seem to understand.  They could gather that that they had done something and I felt upset, but they didn’t acknowledge that they had crossed a boundary.  Then the mediator stepped in.  Rather than coaching me to articulate my feelings and needs, they said, “Well you know, he [the bully] had been drinking, and we all get silly when we drink.”  Alcohol is not an excuse for errant behavior.  I was sunk.

After that conversation, the bully was cautious around me.  They checked in to see if I was okay.  They asked me for help looking for something.   They pulled away from me.

Do you know what happens when a “popular” person pulls away from you?  The whole crowd goes with them.  Slowly, other friends from the tribe stopped engaging with me.  When I told one friend, “I want to tell you why I was so upset the other day,” they said, “Sorry, I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t want to take sides.”  To me, that statement was taking a side.  In that moment, I felt devastated for speaking up for myself.

Now, I realize those friends weren’t really my friends.  They didn’t want to hear what had happened, what information should have tarnished their other friend’s reputation.  They chose to cancel me instead.  I felt sad.  I am grateful for the fun time we had together until that incident, and I am grateful that I got to see their true colors.  Having had this experience, I am hopeful that I have more awareness around cancel culture and the value or lack of value that it provides.  I don’t know what’s happened with the bully since our altercation.  I don’t know if they have realized the importance of honoring consent and boundaries since that time.  I can only hope they think twice these days.