The Family of Amoebas
Back in the fall of 2020 (Remember that time? It was what, 5 years ago?), I wrote a blog post titled, "Morphing." In it, I talked about how we are constantly changing. We have people in our lives and then we don’t. It is as if we are in an amoeba pool, swimming past each other, sometimes connecting, sometimes just swimming by. Then I started wondering, what about the family amoeba pool?
People in my family are just that: in my family. I don’t get to choose them (except my spouse, and we see where that got me). I have siblings, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, and so on. When I was a child, family was very important to my parents. My parents and their siblings lived in the same general area. I saw my aunts and uncles and, by connection, my cousins numerous times during the year. My dad’s sister lived in the same town I grew up in. So we had the opportunity to see their family all the time. My mom’s sister lived a few towns away, so we spent a lot of time with them as well. In fact, while I was a child my mom and dad would travel with my mom’s sister and husband, and I often got to tag along. This extended family was in my life a lot.
When I got married, I was finishing up college in Pittsburgh. My soon to be husband was living in Orlando, Florida, and my parents were living in Naples, Florida. My dad insisted that we get married in New Jersey just a few towns over from where I grew up. Let’s be honest. My dad was paying for the wedding. He could insist I get married on the moon if he wanted to. Most of my family was located in the tristate area (NY/NJ/CT), so he wanted to make sure that most of these folks could make it to the wedding. Now? If I think about my siblings and our children, only one person lives in the tristate area: my daughter who didn’t live there until she graduated from high school. So how do we all stay connected?
When my parents were alive, they made major efforts to keep the family connected. Besides the activities mentioned earlier, my mom often prepared extended family meals for big holidays like Thanksgiving and Passover. Every Father’s Day, my parents would host a big outdoor party for my father’s family’s “Family Circle.” This was a group of extended family that were connected to my father’s mom. Of course since my parents were hosting the party, they also invited other folks from my dad’s side, his step-mother’s side, and my mother’s family. Heck, I think even my neighborhood friends dropped in. There were years when I might not see a distant cousin all year. But when that party happened, there they were! It was a guaranteed connection to the family...until it wasn’t.
In 1982, shortly after I graduated high school and started college out of state, my parents decided to move to Naples, Florida. They were excited to live on the beach. They had always visited the beach in New Jersey, in fact they had met on the beach! Even with the excitement of the move, there was concern about moving away from the family. There were a couple of family members in Florida by then, but they were all on the other side of the state, a good 2 hours away. To keep the immediate family together, my parents insisted that they would fly all of their children and grandchildren down to visit at least once a year. My parents also committed to visiting us up north. Additionally, when someone was getting married, Bar Mitzvah’ed, or having some other important gathering, my parents always committed to being there. When my parents and my Aunt and Uncle had their 40th wedding anniversary (they had married in a double wedding), my siblings, cousins, and I hosted a big party at my cousin’s home to celebrate. My parent’s hadn’t quite moved to Florida yet, and all the family members rolled in for the festivities.
Shortly after my parents moved to Florida, my sister picked up the baton. She started having birthday celebrations on July 4th. While the extended family of the “Family Circle” was not invited, she was still inviting first cousins, some second cousins, her husband’s family, and their friends. This family “glue” was still intact and we were still seeing many family members. For my dad’s 75th birthday, my sister hosted a big party with family and friends. It was an opportunity to see the extended family again. My brother’s family often hosted Thanksgiving now. It was an opportunity for the siblings and their children to get together. Sometimes his wife’s family gathered with us as well. For my mom’s 75th birthday, my brother held a surprise party at his house. My family was living in North Carolina, but my daughter and I snuck up to New Jersey to surprise my mom.
My parents made other efforts to get us together. Twice they took the children and grandchildren on family cruises. These were opportunities for everyone to see each other for an extended period of time. We got to visit longer than a family dinner, and no one had to clean up or cook meals. It was a great opportunity for connection.
When my mom turned 80 and my parent’s were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, my parents hosted another party they labeled, “The 80-60 Party.” My family was living in England, and my dad made a point of holding the event when we were visiting the US. Again, family from all over the country came in to celebrate in New Jersey. At this point, less and less family lived there, but it was still our central meeting point. When my parents passed away, there were two funerals held for each of them. One in Naples where they had established a new community and one in New Jersey where their old community had been.
My sister still continued with the 4th of July gatherings. Family was spread out more and more, and it was harder to connect everyone. Still, it became a ritual for our family to connect together. There were first and second cousins I wouldn’t see very often, yet I knew they would show up for a feast of bbq hot dogs and hamburgers as well as the famous Maryland Crabs. To close out 2017, my siblings and I took our children on a cruise through the Panama Canal. Like the cruises before, this was an opportunity for family to connect for longer than a dinner or celebration. For me, great memories were made swimming with my children, nieces, and nephews. We went white water rafting, we visited with sloths, and we had lots of laughs.
None of us are getting any younger. We are all of the nature to grow old. Then COVID-19 happened. There were no 4 of July gatherings. In mid 2020, I made an effort to call all of my nieces and nephews and all of my first cousins. Since then, my contacts have become less frequent. Some of those cousins I haven’t even spoken to since those early pandemic days. Now as we emerge, is it even feasible for the family to get together? My siblings and I are stretched across 3 states. Our children are stretched even further with one of my nephews living in Europe. How will we reunite? Do we need to wait for a wedding or sadly a funeral? This past Thanksgiving, my niece hosted a meal for parts of her family and her partner’s family. The table was full of happy people, but it was only a small portion of what is now our giant family. Will we ever all get to connect again?
The inspiration for this blog post started when I was lying in bed this morning. I was thinking about a distant cousin (3rd or 4th) who I had met at one of those Family Circle gatherings. We were the same age. That’s odd for me; I am 15 years younger than my sister, so most of my cousins are older than I am. That doesn’t matter so much now that I am an adult, but at 12, that was a big deal. Anyway, this cousin and I became fast friends. We lived about 90 minutes apart, but we would make an effort to see each other during school vacations. The last time I saw her was 1981. I remember my mom telling me information about her she had learned from talking on the phone with family some years later. My cousin was working in IT like I did. She had gotten married. She had a son a few years younger than my oldest son. Any information beyond that is a mystery. I don’t think I’d know her if we passed on the street today. What if we met again? Would we have anything to talk about? Or would we be those amoebas that just passed each other by?
I want my kids to stay connected to their extended family. I want to see them carry the torch of family connection and make the memories that I carry with me. I hope now that the pandemic recedes the bonds can get built back up again.
