Homecoming
(This blog was written on 2/4 discussing 2/1 but finally published today)
10 days gone I return to the yoga studio. As I climb the stairs and leave my shoes I feel as if I am returning home. I rushed here from work. In my last minutes in the office I had to answer a few questions and the effort has made me late for yoga- or later than I want to be. The only space for my mat is now at the back of the classroom. My comfort zone is in the front of the classroom- to connect with the instructor and, let’s be honest- connect with the clock. The clock connection is in case I get uncomfortable- I can always assure myself the end is in sight.
The instructor sets the intention of the class- to recognize when we hit what we consider a hard limit and to find a way around it. I acknowledge the limit that I put on my yoga mat. I recognize that working from the back of the room is going to provide me with a new perspective and I am grateful.
As the movement of the class starts I am so happy to connect with my body. The stiffness and strangeness that comes from not being on a mat for 10 days brings awareness that I can feel in my body’s resistance. This feeling is a familiarity that comes with moving into down dog when my strength is weakened. I feel as if I am in some sort of a homecoming. A space where I can embrace both my strengths and my limitations equally.
As I gift myself with that love our instructor asks us to turn to the left of the studio and I face the mirrors. Suddenly I have a knee jerk reaction- ‘God I look like a cow!’ For just a moment, all the self-love, the empowerment, and the oneness slips to the floor as I pass judgement on what is just a reflection in the glass. Slowly, with dignity and grace I acknowledge that judgement. Off the floor I pick up the oneness, the empowerment, and the self-love as I recognize the beauty of who I am. I travel in the same beautiful body I was born in. No size, weight, skin stretching, or bump changes my body. No matter what I see in that reflection it is still the same beautiful body.
This acceptance of myself and the acknowledgement of my judgement brings me new inner strength. When it comes time to get down on my mat and do a more challenging move- yummy monkey, I give into the challenge. Using a strap to secure my calf I hold up my leg. When a cramp shoots through my left calf I don’t immediately drop my leg. Instead I try something new and I hold space for the pain. As I sit in the pain it strengthens me. I quiet my mind and listen to my body. Somewhere in my mind I know to trust my body and my body says, ‘This is okay’. So I hold on.
When I move out of yummy monkey I feel aware that something has changed in me during the short time on my mat today. I have both acknowledged my judgements and felt through my limitations. I feel tears of joy trickling down from my eyes with this enlightening recognition. During the short window of time called, ‘class’ I have reached into my heart and touched my soul. No amount of perfect head stands, crow poses, or downward facing dogs could ever compare. Shavasana on this day is just a quiet puddle of tears- I am so grateful for the joy of touching my soul mixed with the bittersweet end of the class. May I return to my mat and to that place of joy again soon.