Happy Anniversary
Today is the 8th anniversary of my divorce after 25 years of marriage. If you ask me how I feel about that my initial thoughts would be, “joyful”, “powerful”, and “resilient”. At the same time I’m feeling introspective and maybe even a bit melancholy. As a result of my marriage I have 3 beautiful adult children as well as some fun memories of adventure and growth. As grateful as I am for moving on, memories of marriage today seem to be a little bit of “what if?”
A few weeks ago I attended a workshop on non-violent communication. This workshop highlighted the importance of communicating without judgements. I learned the value of centering myself before speaking, acknowledging my feelings, and identifying my needs. One of the beautiful and hard things about this workshop was that we were in a safe space. I was able to take time to center and really think about what I wanted to say. Those who listened to me held space, confirmed my message through active listening, and assisted me in uncovering what I needed. In essence, the perfect communication world. The real world isn’t always as easy.
Today at Buddhist Fellowship the dharma talk was on the third noble truth of Right Speech. The Buddha’s teachings of this noble truth encourage his followers to tell the truth, resist slander and back biting, not to speak rudely, and to avoid idle chatter and gossip. Listening to the dharma talk brought me back to my own travels off the rails of Right Speech- times when I either initiated a hurtful comment or when I responded to one with my own anger. Listening to the talk brought me back to a time about 15 years ago. A time in my marriage when a violent communication occurred- a common occurrence over the 25 year period that was my marriage.
In 2004 my (now ex) husband was working at a job he didn’t enjoy, in an industry that didn’t inspire him, in a location that wasn’t a fit for anyone in our family. There was so much negativity in this space and neither of us really opened up about it. We plugged along (as we usually did). I worked hard to present the modern day June Cleaver persona. I felt my job was “Cheerleader” to sing the praises of our lives even though our lives weren’t all that worthy of cheering about. One day when my husband had too much of the awful job in the awful environment he called me in a fit of rage. Through the phone he confided in me, “I hate my boss so much, I swear I’m going to hit him. I’m going to hit him right now!”. Did I hold space for him? Did I respond with active listening? I wish I could say yes. I responded with, “What? Are you kidding me? If you hit your boss you will get fired! Hell, you could even go to jail! What will happen to our home? How will I care for the family! Update your resume and get out of there.” I was as compassionate as a drill sergeant.
Today I wonder. What if I had said, “Hang on just a minute I need to process what you are saying.” What if I had dropped in and centered myself and practiced active (rather than reactive) listening. Would I have read between the lines? Would I have heard his message as, “I am so frustrated right now. I feel helpless. I feel exasperated. I feel unglued. I need to be trusted, valued, and I need to feel calm.” If I had interpreted his phone call in that way I could have responded from a place of compassion instead of a place of fear. But at that time our communication style had been so ingrained in anger and fear that the cycle wasn’t changing. I wasn’t aware of non-violent communication skills or the Buddha’s noble truth around Right Speech. When I think back on that conversation I have remorse for my own ignorance. Then I remember the Maya Angelou quote, “Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better”.
Going back to my first paragraph I am “joyful”, “powerful”, and “resilient” as a result of my divorce. I know my ex is happier and has moved on in his own knowledge and experiences. Moving forward is it time to bury the hatchet? While I cannot change 25 years of violent communications that occurred during my marriage I can make the hard and thoughtful choice to wish him well and set free any residual anger that lives in my heart. It can be so hard to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean anyone was right or wrong. For me it means letting go of the second arrow- the suffering I have chosen to bear by not letting go of the anger. So I set my intention on this anniversary to let go of the anger and pick up some compassion. While I can’t promise my intention will come to fruition, I know that without it I will never be free of my suffering. Happy Anniversary.