Karma Chameleon
Over the past month or so I’ve been reading the book, “Coming Home:A contemporary Exploration of the Buddhist Path”, by Ethan Nichtern. I find Ethan’s (he doesn’t know it but we’re on a first name basis) explanation of the karma philosophy to be comforting. For so long I have thought of karma as something outward- if someone cuts me off on the highway then karma will get them later down the road. More significantly - the manager who fired me back in 2013 is going to be hated by everyone because he’s so mean. Reading “The Road Home” I have learned that the philosophy of karma is far more internal and forgiving.
In the book Ethan explains the 12 nidamas of karma- a set of links or steps in the cause of and effect in our behaviors. Looking at the 12 steps as my own personal habitual patterns I understand this veil of ignorance or ‘being asleep’. When I reflect my own life I think about one of the biggest misperceptions I have had for over 40 years- why don’t I look like a fitter thinner person? Back in 1975 I received my first bra. It was more of a half undershirt really. It came with matching underpants. I was so proud to receive this gift- for me it was a celebration of my changing body. Immediately I decided to model it for my mother and sister. My sister was my idol- she was 15 years older than I was and I found her life to be so glamorous. I wanted to look and be just like her. So when my sister took a look at me in my new ensemble and made the flippant remark that I looked ‘fat’, I was devastated. Living in a time when Twiggy was the model of what a woman wanted to look like I decided I was doomed. By the spring of 1976 I was worried about what cookies I was eating. By 1979 I was dieting. If you’ve never dieted before let me tell you what dieting is like. With diets, you are essentially giving up all of your opportunities to make choices on your own. You no longer trust your body to tell you when it is hungry or what it is hungry for. With a diet you are giving all this responsibility to some third party business or doctor or (nowadays) figure on the internet who has you believe that they know what is best for you. You take all present consciousness and presence with the mind and body away from yourself.
A little more about bodies and body perception over the past 40 years. From the time I went on my first diet until now society has continued to measure our healthiness based a number of factors- medical tests of our vitals, physical capabilities, and weight. Weight and the physical proportions of our bodies seem to be a critical measurement in the health and okayness of our bodies. The diet industry is booming and the media is always shaming those who are gaining weight or not losing baby fat. Alternatively, those who make amazing weight transformations from big to small are praised and worshipped.
Let me talk a minute about present consciousness and presence with the mind and body. These are steps 3 and 4 in the 12 steps of karma. Essentially, after an event happens (in my case my sister told me I looked fat) I make a misinterpretation of that (I am fat and being fat is bad) and create habits around it- diet. Steps 3 and 4 are so critical! That is where I can stop and evaluate what I am doing and “awaken” myself. I can become aware of the fact that, “Hey! My body was designed to tell me what it needs and I am ignoring it and giving all of that power to someone I’ve never even met!” So instead of doing steps 3 and 4 I pretty much ignored them and went back to steps 1 and 2. I continued dieting through 2017!
So what does it look like to diet for almost 40 years? It looks like karma! Karma being if you do what you always did you will get what you always get. With karma I am understanding that I just wasn’t being understanding. For almost 40 years I let others dictate what I could eat and when I could eat it. How did that work out for me? Not so well. I can master self control. But when some outer force is dictating how I should think or feel my mind and body rebel. I cannot be so righteous with my choices all the time. I would do as they say in the diet world “cheat”. Yes, dieting has a moral code. It’s fascinating to think about- when we diet or food choices suddenly become “good” or “bad”. It’s as if we might go to jail for having a cookie. Why would what I eat make me a good or bad person? Will someone die if I eat a cookie? Will I be stealing from someone else if I eat a cookie? Who came up with this moral code for dieting?
The dieting moral code became another habit formation for me. I would chastise myself for not eating correctly, for having the numbers on the scale rise, for giving up on dieting altogether. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had “success” in dieting. I’ve been thin, I’ve been medium, I’ve been fat. And all along I have felt the guilt of being wrong when I wasn’t the “right” size. I’ve spent over 12,000 days wondering, “Do I look fat in this outfit?” when instead I could have been enjoying the comfort and colors of my clothes and the beauty of the world around. I could have been filling my head with so many other wonderful things! I’ve spent so much of my life self-flagellating for not doing what external sources were telling me was the right thing.
I love food. I love preparing food, tasting food, trying new food, and enjoying good meals with friends and family. I disregarded so much of that love of food when I held myself to external standards.
In the spring of 2018 I stumbled upon a local workshop called, “Mindful Eating”. The first morning of the workshop they served pancakes with (gasp!) chocolate chips! Later in the workshop the nutritionist who was running the workshop served us her own homemade chocolate chip cookies! I was shocked. Eating that encouraged chocolate? The workshop talked about thinking about what I was eating from a place of awareness. Rather than allowing an outside person or establishment to determine what I was eating I would spend time thinking about my own choices and focusing on those choices as I ate them rather than eating while I multitasked or worried about some other issue going on in my life. I started to take inch my way toward step number 3 in the karmic 12 step process.
In the fall of 2018 the same nutritionist offered a class in body positivity and I jumped on board. Here I heard new messages. No longer was I hearing the media messages that I was fat and that I was bad , I started hearing that I am unique in my body shape and size and that was NOT an indicator of who I am as a person or how healthy I am. My crawl toward step number 3 continued.
In the winter I went to the nutritionist’s workshop on intuitive eating. This concept invites you to actually listen to your body for indications on what to eat. Like steps 3 and 4 in the karmic path intuitive eating encouraged me to take time to look at my feelings around eating and honor what my body needed. Yes, intuitive eating does follow nutrition guidelines but it doesn’t expect you to be rigid. Like karma, learning what works in intuitive eating needs to allow for mistakes.
One of the beautiful, human things about the karmic philosophy is the compassion toward mistakes. I’ve spent over 40 years trying to eat perfectly by someone else’s standards. I can’t learn what works for me if I don’t also learn what doesn’t work for me. That’s what karma is all about. When I follow that repetitive cycle of dieting I am not stopping to listen to what my body really wants. When I trust my body I am saying, “I hear you body and I want to work with you. Let’s process this experience together. If you tell me you want to eat an entire chocolate cake and the next day I am feeling sluggish and miserable we will know eating an entire chocolate cake isn’t for us. Won’t that be great? We will have learned from our experience!”
Lately I am spending more and more time in steps 3 and 4. These movements allow me to be more present and aware with myself. They also invite more self-compassion as I make choices that may not align with what I truly want for myself. This past summer I had the opportunity to go to a Buddhist Fellowship Retreat. We had all our meals prepared for us (vegetarian). We had to practice noble silence for much of the retreat including all of our meals where we ate together. We had no cell service or wifi. We weren’t allowed to bring anything to entertain us such as games or books. At one of the meals I was not satisfied. The food was filling, but my taste buds didn’t like it very much. Before I left I considered taking an extra roll or piece of fruit since I wasn’t satisfied. But being so much in awareness I thought, “No. I’m full. I may not have been satisfied but I’m not hungry. Why would I take something else?”
Mind blown.
The same thing happened the next day at lunch. I had a brownie for dessert and I didn’t really care for the brownie. I thought about taking a cookie afterwards. Then I checked my hunger cues. I WAS FULL. My walk into steps 3 and 4 had become a trot.
This transition wasn’t permanent and that is ok. I notice myself often eating without being present. But that’s the catch- I am noticing. I’m spending more time in steps 3 and 4 if only just to notice. This awareness is refreshing and uplifting. I’m noticing too that I procrastinate on something on my todo list for the day I find myself choosing to snack instead performing the task. I tell myself, “Just have a snack so you don’t get hungry. You can do that task afterward”. I’ve associated procrastination with an excuse for eating (habit) without checking in and even asking my body if it is hungry. I use food here as an escapist method rather than getting done what I need to. You might even say that I am not practicing responsible consumption when I procrastinate with food.
While these may seem like baby steps they are huge awareness milestones for me. I am encouraged to follow the karma steps and I’m hopeful that my awareness around eating will blossom into awareness in other areas of my life. I’m also looking to set intentions each day around eating. The intention doesn’t necessarily mean I will be more mindful but it will certainly plant a seed in my mind to be so. Without the intention there is less possibility that I will eat more mindfully. So I’m all about planting the seeds.
One last note- my sister who I mentioned above is a lovely person. She is caring and compassionate and I know she is always looking out for me. Sometimes she makes mistakes. After all like the rest of us, she is human, she is learning. Our mistakes do not define us, they are simply a part of us.