Making room at the table
As I journey through my late 50s I am becoming more and more aware of the restrictions I have put on what I eat and how I treat my body. I have spent so many years dieting- expecting my body to look a certain way or be a certain size. For years I have shamed myself for not having enough will-power or being lazy for not getting myself to the current accepted “right” body size. I never took into consideration how my mind or my body might feel about that, I just looked to outer influences (society, media, even friends and family) to get an understanding of what my body should look like. Additionally, I looked to the expectations of the outside community to determine what I could and couldn’t do with my body. I believed only skinny girls could be physically active or wear certain clothing. I have spent the past few years fighting those outer imposed restrictions and standing up for myself, what I want, and what I want to do. I practice yoga, teach yoga, hike canyons, ski mountains, and travel to far away lands. I try to eat what I want without the worry of “is it too much? Is it too fattening?” In my journey to find myself amid the noise of a culture that promotes thinness and dieting I often feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle for my own sanity.
If you’re thinking I’m an outlier and an activist you’re right. I’ve done my homework however. I’ve discovered that weight and BMI are not measurements for defining our health. BMI as it turns out is not a magical calculation that was done by a group of physicians. It was originally created by an insurance company to look at an average of a number of bodies. There was no health correlation. When life expectancy is reviewed on factors other than weight, it doesn’t matter what someone’s BMI is. So, when people exercise, don’t smoke, eat a variety of fruits and vegetables (and whatever else they want to eat) it doesn’t matter if their BMI is a regular number, an overweight number, or an obese number. Their mortality rates are the same. Interesting. Body size is not an indicator of health, it’s just an indicator of the current thinness model that is in fashion.
Additionally dieting causes all sorts of health problems. Why? Because diets fail. 95% of all diets fail. Yes you may go on a diet and lose weight (I’ve done that many times) but then you have a 95% chance of gaining that weight back (and then some!) Not only does your weight return but your body reacts poorly to all the ups and downs of your weight. These constant fluctuations are linked to heart disease, insulin resistance, and higher blood pressure. If you are hearing that being overweight is causing these illnesses it is more likely that weight cycling is causing the problems. Looking outside of the effects dieting and desire for thinness have on the body they also impact your emotional health. Imagine what it would be like if you had a job where 95% of the time your boss told you that you were doing a terrible job? That’s what happens when you diet. Plus with all of the social media, advertising, friends, and family telling you that you should look smaller you’re bound to feel pretty miserable. Even with a strong self awareness and commitment to believe in yourself in spite of any fat phobia that is being thrown your way it’s hard to manage clothes shopping when stores don’t carry clothing in your size. This fact adds to the misery of thinking you have to be thin if you want to wear clothes that you feel comfortable and attractive wearing.
So now I am really ready. I’m ready to take a stand to be free from dieting, free from outer judgement of my body size, and free from judging what my body is capable of doing. I have arrived. I am an empowered advocate for body positivity. What exactly does this mean? It means I will continue to fight against diets and an expectation that I be thin. I will continue to move my body in ways that I want and share my enthusiasm with others. When I sit in a yoga class and realize I am the largest body there I will recognize the power I hold there. I am representing all the bodies too fearful to show up for class. When I go to a store and they don’t have clothing in my size I will let the vendor know in a review. When I go to a restaurant with delicious food I will try the food that looks the most delicious rather than hold back and choose the ‘lighter’ choice. I do these things not only for myself but also for you. I know that I must have body positivity for myself if I want to give it to others. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect- there are plenty of days that I slip back into shaming myself and my body. And I am noticing that. Progress is being made in baby steps as I change what I value. I want you to be free from diet mentality and fat phobia. I want you to not be self conscious in the yoga studio or on the ski slopes. I want you to find clothing that fits you and you feel comfortable and attractive wearing. But I need your help. I need you to do these things for me. I want to create a space at the table for you. The more of us that sit at the body positive table the better chance we have at changing the paradigm. The world of diets is a big one and we can’t fight it alone. You don’t need to be considered “fat” to be affected by diet culture either. At the extreme, diets are the cause of all eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. Quietly diets impact everyone as we judge ourselves for being “bad” for eating cookies and we question our bodies’ intuition for knowing what we want and need.
I know I need to accept myself as I am. I’ve spent way too much of my lifetime judging myself and trying to ‘fix’ things that were never wrong. My body size has only been one piece of that “I’m broken so fix it” puzzle- and it’s a big one. I am realizing as well that my efforts are not just to accept myself as I am. I want to normalize who I am (and you are) with the rest of the world. Not finding my clothing size or not finding the clothes I like in my size should be an anomaly not a regularity. No one should judge what I put on my plate (not even me!). When I want to dance, frolic in the surf, take a selfie, or climb a mountain I will be able to do so without any commentary on whether my body is capable or not. We are all worthy of being treated equally in this world regardless of our size. So come, come and sit with me at the table as we enjoy and embrace our amazing lives in all of our shapes and sizes.