Who Is That One Guy?

If you’ve read my blog posts, you’ve probably run into That One Guy (TOG) in my ramblings.  I’ve gotten some feedback on the title, TOG, so I figured I would share some background (as long as that’s okay with TOG).  I have been writing my blog posts for a little over 5 years now, starting with the inauguration of President Trump.  I am blissfully hoping to not right another one of those posts in 2025.  Anyway, I’ve been writing about all sorts of musings about my life: hiking, physical challenges, yoga, fatphobia, Buddhism, family life, and occasionally, relationships.  Back in the summer of 2018, I wrote a blog post titled, Summer Lovin’ Happened So Fast.  In it, I spoke of a man I had met on my dating journey.  If you’d like, you can read it here: Summer Lovin’.

Anyway, in this post, I referred to this summer man as Number 5.  By the time I wrote the post, that was all he was to me.  He was just a number and not an interesting one.  A few months later, I met TOG. (He of course was not TOG just yet….) A few weeks after meeting TOG, I shared the link to my blog, figuring this would be a valuable way for TOG to understand who I was.  If he read the posts and felt like I was too weird or too pushy or just too something he wasn’t interested in, he could evaluate the relationship at that point.

As it turned out, TOG greatly appreciated the insights into my world that the posts gave him.  He was surprised by my vulnerability, and I would say honored that I chose to share it with him.  He requested that if I ever write about him, I use the term “That One Guy” to reference him.  So there you have it.  That’s why he’s TOG.

So what does it mean to be a “TOG?”  It’s been over 3 years now.  Has our relationship changed since those early days?  Of course.  All relationships change.  We certainly know each other more now, are more vulnerable now.  The shiny newness has worn off.  That said, we are still very close.  Does that mean we are getting married?  Hell no.  Does that mean we live together?  Nope.

Recently, we got together with TOG’s son and his family.  TOG’s granddaughter was in a dance recital, and we all wanted to see her perform.  When it came time for TOG’s son to introduce me to other family members, he said, “This is my dad’s partner.”  Woah.  Big word.  In my mind, partner implied wife or at least live-in person.  Yet I am neither of those.  

Back when I was married, I considered my husband my partner.  We shared a home, money, and child-rearing.  That said, I often felt trapped.  I didn’t do a very good job at communicating my feelings, but I felt as if I wasn’t acting in free will (can any of us say we have free will?).  I didn’t feel like I had agency over my life.  After 25 years of that position, I finally called it quits and moved on.

Now I am the captain of my own ship.  I determine what I am doing and where I am going.  I don’t worry what anyone else thinks when I spend money, go on vacation, take 5 yoga classes in a week, or eat ice cream for dinner.  I paint the walls of my home whatever colors I want.  I buy the car I want, and I visit with the friends I like.  I love my independence.  I also love TOG.  With my independence, can I still have a partner?

Recently I was chatting with a friend.  It was a Saturday, and evening was approaching.  She said to me, “Are you getting together with TOG tonight?”  I told her that I wasn’t; I would be teaching yoga early the next morning, and he didn’t want to have to get up early on his day off.  She wondered how I felt about that.  Would I be lonely?  Anxious?

To me, it was just another evening. I told her that I knew I would see TOG the next night, and that would be just fine.  I said the thing that I appreciated about our relationship is that I could be me, I could live my life, and TOG would respect that.  TOG lives his life, and I respect his life as well.  I wasn’t worried that if I did something that he wasn’t a part of that he would disappear.  If I make plans with friends and he calls to say we should go out to dinner, I don’t drop my friends.  He respects me for my independence.  I have a big life.  TOG is an important part of it.  He’s just not all of it.

TOG is kind, compassionate, fun, and grateful,   When I am with TOG I am comfortable being my authentic self.  Does that mean we do the same things?  No.  Does that mean we see eye to eye on everything?  Nope.  That means we respect each other.  That means we enjoy each other’s company.  That means we are partners.