Just Keep Swimming…
The other a day, I was chatting with a friend who I haven’t seen since 2017. We were talking about the upcoming spring and summer. We were both excited that we might be able to travel more freely than in the past two summer seasons. She announced that she needed a new bathing suit. “Oh!” I said, “I know 2 great places to buy bathing suits. I purchased 2 during the last year.” Then I shared the 2 websites I had used. One was Torrid, the place I got my swimsuit I talked about in an earlier blog post, Mermaid. The other was a company called MeUndies. Both had numerous options in many sizes. I thought she would find something fun that she would like. She went ahead and looked at the Torrid website while we are on the phone together. She said, “Torrid? The plus-size store?” “Yes,” I said, “They start their sizes at size 10.” “Oh,” she said, “I don’t wear those sizes anymore. They are too big for me.”
Hearing her words I felt so many things. I felt embarrassed that I assumed she wore at least a size 10 when she doesn’t. For as long as I had known her I thought she was at least a size 10. I felt ashamed that I had this weird unconscious bias that she was bigger. I need to wear at least a size 10. Some things fit me in a 10. Some things fit me in a 20. Some things fit somewhere in between. I’ve taken time over the last few years to acknowledge that in women’s clothing sizes are not always the same; some clothes are cut differently and therefore you need a different size, and clothing is just material. It doesn’t matter. If there isn’t enough material, just get something with more material. I want to be comfortable and happy with how I look. I feel pretty good about my wardrobe. At least I did, until I talked with my friend.
My friend said nothing to me about what size I wear. She has come to my yoga class on Zoom, and she has seen my body. Honestly, she’s’ been looking at my body for over 40 years. She’s known me through “thick and thin (no pun intended)”. Yet suddenly, hearing her statement, “they are too big for me,” I felt too big. My work on self acceptance, my tattoo that says, “The body is not an apology,” my well-fitting and attractive clothes are now somehow inferior. My friend didn’t give me this idea. I made it up myself. Well, that isn’t true. I suddenly brought back all those thoughts from my earlier life when I thought I wasn’t good enough. All the external messaging I received and internalized was creeping back into my head.
I know that my self-acceptance and self-appreciation is not unconditional. This experience with learning about my friend’s size is proof of that fact. Yet for some strange reason, I wished it was possible. Just like I have never been able to unlearn the multiplication tables I learned back in the third grade, I expected that I would never unlearn that I am good enough. Once I recognized the perfection in my imperfection, I figured I was done. Never would I doubt myself and have to come to that realization again. It would already be there in my head like some sort of holy grail that I could see shining off in the distance.
My battles with Judge Judy and my interests in body respect help me to see that I am constantly reminding myself that my body is not a tool to measure myself by. I would prefer not to fight these battles, to instead grow by looking at the nature of my actions and my authenticity. I also want to throw some self-compassion in there. I can’t grow without recognizing that growth is not linear. This experience is an example of that.
Awareness is a gift though. 6 years ago, I would not have stopped and recognized that I had forgotten how my body is okay as it is. I would have been self-flagellating and putting myself on a diet. I would have been buying clothes too tight with the hope that one day they would fit or would just not buy clothing at all. I know I don’t want to go back to that place.
So where do I want to go? Is there a way for me to notice the set-judgement more quickly? Is there a way for me to recognize my judgements before they grow into ugly messages that I wouldn’t want to give myself? That’s why I am writing this post.
I’ve done a lot of work to get myself to where I am today. I’ve removed myself from social media. I’ve studied weight neutral and diet recovery texts. I’ve read blog posts from fat activists. I’ve communicated with other like-minded body respect folks. I’ve been running a body respect bookclub. But is it all enough?
Baby steps, I tell myself. Don’t just look at today. Look at how far you have come. Look at your amazing body! It hikes, skis, walks, swims in the ocean, and does yoga. It’s carried babies and hugged children. It doesn’t matter what the size label says. When I think of all the things I can do, all the awareness I have, the community in my life, and the people I love, I could never give any of that up for a smaller number label on my clothing. So I write this blog post as a reminder. A reminder that my body is the best body for me.
