Closer I am to fine

Thank you to the Indigo Girls for the title. You may see a bit more of them in this post.

After my return from Bali I had a beautiful first week. I managed to minimize the jet lag, I got to visit with That One Guy (TOG) and with my good friends, I got to sit with the snow and feel the cold dry air as opposed to that hot sticky air of Bali that weighed on my skin like a layer of clothing even when I was naked. The return home all seemed so blissful and perfect. Until it wasn’t.

Somewhere in the beginning of my second week home things seem to start to slide into a downward spiral. I started to feel ungrounded, purposeless, and I was not enjoying my day to day activities all that much. I had some great ideas for blog posts but when I considered touching the keyboard my head was mush. I chose instead to binge watch Hulu (but it was “Handmaid’s Tale” and my god who doesn’t want to binge watch that?). I didn’t want to practice my violin. I didn’t want to read and I had beautiful interesting books to read like Brene Brown and a book on intuitive eating. I was sleeping A LOT. I was spending time with TOG and wondering why I was doing so. I was feeling pretty dark. At first I figured “Hey, I’m coming back from a 6 week journey in a developing country and I have to have responsibilities. I have to drive and put out the trash. I can’t spend all my day outside swatting mosquitos and searching for crabs in the sand. This change must be why I am feeling so unsettled.” I celebrated holidays and had my beautiful daughter come visit. I went to Buddhist fellowship and I went to a New Year’s Eve Party. So many of these wonderful events touched my heart. But the happiness seemed short lived. I was/am definitely in a funk.

A few days ago it hit me. I am in a contraction. Just like the universe expands and contracts, my heart expands and contracts with breath, and metal expands and contracts with cold, my thoughts and spiritual heart expand and contract. When I’m in contraction thoughts are dark and cold. There is a definite aloneness there as opposed to a oneness with the universe and my other fellow earthlings out there.

This morning I was thinking about my contraction. I was encouraged that I had a word for it. Thanks to a set of lectures I attended where I learned about the early Indian writings on the love of Divinity I understood the expansion and contraction that my spiritual heart goes through. When I recognize my connection to the universe I am in expansion. When I feel isolated and insular I am in contraction. This explanation from early Indian text resonates with me. I was able to connect my feelings to this concept.

I started to think about the end of 2017. Around the end of 2017 I was in a deep contraction. I was still working. Even though I worked just 3 days a week I couldn’t find focus and I couldn’t find passion for anything I was working on. I felt overwhelmed by my workload. I came to the realization that the money I was earning wasn’t worth the worthlessness I felt. I recognized and honored the feelings that I would have more value in my life “Being” instead of “Doing”. At the end of 2016 I was also in a contraction.. While I had the opportunity to visit my daughter in Florence Italy that December I also felt a darkness in my heart. So what is it about year end? Is it the solstice that gets to me? Should I be buying a “light lamp” to deal with SAD? Should I be meditating more? Should I be saying more affirmations this time of year?

A friend from out of town contacted me. She was visiting Park City and she wanted to know if I wanted to get together. I hadn’t seen her in 6 years. I was conflicted. As much as I wanted to see my friend I was in contraction mode. While it would be lovely to see her, her personality tends to be like Eyore’s- always melancholy. Did I want to visit with someone melancholy while I was feeling melancholy myself?

I went back to thinking about what I learned during the lectures on contraction and expansion. I realized that I don’t want to “fix” myself. I’m not broken. Just like the ebb and flow of tides, the expansion and contraction of the universe, my spiritual heart is in contraction mode. I need to do something more powerful than fixing it. I need to sit with it. I need to sit with it and be with it until it’s over.

Brene Brown, who I mentioned earlier, said in her book, Into the Wilderness, “ When the tears fall and the hard story is shared we have to show up and stay with the pain”. Sitting around and saying, “I’m fine” when I’m not isn’t going to work. I realize it is time for me to respect myself and how I feel. To get into those feelings with kindness and honor myself. As the Indigo Girls so beautiful said, “It’s only life after all”.

PS- In the end I did visit with my out of town friend. With the awareness of my own contraction I was able to enjoy our reconnection.