Let’s take it a little to the left
For the past few years the left side of my body has been giving me challenges, Back in 2007 I tore my ACL in my left knee and lately my left knee has felt kind of rusty. In 2012 I had a herniated disc on the left side of my back that applied a lot of pressure to my sciatic nerve. While the disc has been operated on and the pressure was released lately I have felt numbness in my left leg. Often I have cramps in my left calf.
While I’ve put effort into healing these pains through massage, yoga, and chiropractors I have often wondered why I’ve had this pain. I know from my yoga philosophy studies that the right side of the brain is the feminine side while that message crosses the body so that the left side of the body is the feminine side. I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve been too masculine? Perhaps my life has been spent in too much “doing” and not enough “being”. Creativity is a feminine trait and perhaps I just wasn’t being creative enough? I remain perplexed.
Last year around this time I retired from my career. I decided that I didn’t want to be “doing” anymore. My passion for my job had waned. I thought that with the end of my career I would become more creative and introspective and that these efforts would help me to fulfill my feminine quota.
Since retirement I’ve made a lot of art glass, I’ve returned to playing the violin after 35 years, I’ve dived into my spiritual side through yoga and meditation, and I took a journey across the planet to do something “completely different”. Still my left side troubles me. Once I returned from Bali I found that my left shoulder was bothering me as well. At this point I was stumped. What is it that I’m not giving my left (feminine) side?
Earlier this year I created a mala bead necklace to be used for meditation. After putting the beads together I had to set an intention into the beads. I chose two intentions- “I am lovable” and “I am trustworthy”. While some of you may be thinking, “Of course she’s lovable and trustworthy” these intentions were not meant for you. The intentions are meant for me. While I am sitting in meditation I can pass my hands over the beads and remind myself that I love myself and that I believe I am trustworthy. Why? Because I pass judgement on myself like nobody’s business. Ultimately I want to stop these judgements. I know can’t do so if I don’t love myself and believe in myself. So I have the mala beads to help me to change my thought patterns.
I was at a meditation retreat last fall and I thought deeply about what I wanted for myself. These two intentions came up again- lovable and trustworthy. I was able to distill them into one word- respect. I want to respect myself and have those around me respect me as well. I now have a bracelet with the word “respect” imprinted on it. Wearing the bracelet a way I can always remind myself to have respect for myself.
So back to the mysterious left side. Why do I always feel pain there? I’ve done so much creative and introspective work in the past year. I still ponder the left side pains as the shoulder pain has been added to my small but concerning shopping list of pains.
The other day when I stepped into yoga class my wise and wonderful teacher set our intention. Before we started our asana (physical) practice she recommended we connect with what supports us the most. I sat and thought about what supports me the most- what my core values are. I remembered my intentions- love and trust. As I went through the poses in class I repeated these intentions to myself. Then it hit me- trust! I need to trust my left side. I often baby the left side when I hike, ski, and practice asana poses. I tell myself not to push to hard. I don’t necessarily “listen” to my body I just tell my body that I can’t do the movements it asks of me. I need to trust my body and let it move the way it wants to. In the same way, I need to trust those left side or “feminine” characteristics of myself- my intuition, my creativity, and my emotions. So often my “masculine” side takes over with “shoulds” and “dos”. Why must I bow to these bits and let them take over? What would happen if I listened to my intuition over my logic? If I let my heart lead the way instead of my head? It’s time to let the left side shine.